The Blessing and Trial of a Stake President’s Wife

People offered both congratulations and condolences. I did not then realize how fitting that was; not really anyway. Three years ago, when John was called to be the Rose Park North Stake President, I had already learned a number of valuable lessons that I believed would serve me well. Looking back, I have often remarked that every calling he’s had taught me something I’d need to know for surviving his next calling. I learned some valuable lessons through the first 14 years of our marriage.

John was called into an elder’s quorum presidency within two months of our wedding. It followed us through three wards and the next five years. I learned very quickly to add an extra couple of hours to his proposed return time, realizing that his judgment of time wasn’t as accurate as he thought. I also learned to not worry about confidential issues. I’m much happier for it. Next came Scoutmaster—six weeks after buying our Suburban. I soon realized that both our new vehicle and annual vacation time would not necessarily be just for our family to use; they were subject to consecration. Shortly after our baby’s first birthday and before our eldest’s eighth, a calling to the high council was extended. Suddenly I had to learn coping strategies to manage five children alone in church. It was barely within my ability to do. Next came rapid-succession callings to the bishopric and then bishop. The sum total, I believed, of cutting a lot of slack on arrival times, having no curiosity about other people’s private business, the giving of property and time, and at least two weeknights plus Sunday without Dad at home. After all that, I thought I had a fairly good idea of what might be ahead.

So what have I learned after a third of the way through his tenure? On the blessing side, it really is quite remarkable to have many people throughout the stake praying for your husband and your home. The Lord has taken exceptional care of our family. It has been much more than I ever imagined and I am humbled and grateful beyond words for His attention to our needs. And if I have the perspective to see that even challenges are really blessings in disguise, then I can easily say that everything about this calling has been a blessing. I’m trying to see the difficulties for what I hope they will eventually be.

The lessons and gifts my husband has been given in the last three years have become exponential. Opportunities for spiritual growth seem to knock on his door daily. There is just enough need on the part of the people he has stewardship over, and just enough drive on his part to learn and grow, that the Lord allows him to have an abundance of gifts he needs to serve effectively. This is a glorious thing. It’s exciting to watch. How could I possibly find a drawback to being married to a good man? Because it’s also very easy to look at myself and observe that I have a notable lack of similar growth.

I feel as though I’m coming out of a fog. Until recently I didn’t even know I was in one to begin with. Kids will do that to you I think. “How did I get here?” is my mantra and will likely be inscripted on my headstone someday. “Where am I going with my life?” is frequently my follow-up question. I often see myself at the bottom of a large mountain and my spouse has a huge head start. It’s hard not to let discouragement root me to the ground. It’s not that he wouldn’t come back and pick me up and even wait for me, but even so, how will I ever keep pace? It’s hard to feel spiritually fulfilled and inspired when my prayers ascend no higher than the ceiling, scriptures are simply read out of habit, and the efforts of raising a family daily wear my patience down to its very last thread. And housekeeping…well, we won’t even go there.

I think everyone makes unhealthy comparisons from time to time. I just happen to live with the person that I keep comparing myself to. But I think it’s something we all do. There’s always a sister down the street whose kids get perfect grades and can keep her house clean as well. How many people have a mother who knows how to do everything and are constantly asking her for help? Perhaps it’s a great teacher, friend, scholar, or athlete that we feel we’ll never measure up to their standard. It’s hard to recognize that these people have issues too because their strengths seem to outshine their troubles. It is an unfortunate human trait that we comfort and torment ourselves at the same time by comparing gifts. Would my teenage son ask me why he didn’t get a doll for Christmas like his little sisters? Of course not. What he wanted and needed was new clothes.

The Lord knows His children and presents us each with abilities and experiences that will best meet the individual needs we have. He doesn’t always tell us why we got the gifts we did, but I have come to trust that He has His reasons. Father has a much broader vision than we ever do. So much so that in our limited temporal view, we may not even recognize that we’ve been given something special. I hadn’t realized before that learning to admit our fears and weaknesses, and not being ashamed of them, is its own kind of gift. How can we address and deal with something we are in denial of? I’m finally outgrowing my fear of confessing that I have a lot of struggles, that I’m being challenged every day, and that I have a lot of confidence issues to overcome.

I’m also trying to give myself more credit for my strengths. I recognize too that it’s a unique privilege to be married to the stake president, not just because I learn much from him, but because I am also privy to see his faults and weaknesses. He has them like everyone else. As I discover what my own gifts and talents are, without needing to compare packages, I can benefit him as much as he helps me. I’ve found that my strengths balance him out in places where he is weak.

I once heard a story of a young couple who went mountain climbing. The man had a single goal to plough ahead quickly to the top. The woman loved to stop and note the presence of flowers and wildlife. She would stop her partner on occasion to point out a bird singing or a brook rippling by. He in turn would notice things he otherwise would have missed. On the other hand, he would pull her back to their task of reaching the peak. In the end, she made it to the top because of his drive and he better enjoyed the climb because of her appreciation of the beauty along the way. Whether we are forge-ahead climbers or follow-the-butterflies types, we all have a need and responsibility to help each other to the top of this mountain we call our journey Home.

In the case of our marriage, I am definitely the one with the slower pace, but my goal is to get there eventually. I just need to be less concerned with my arrival time. I’ve been learning this lesson the hard way since becoming the “matron of the stake” at age 34 (oh that sounds odd) and wondering what on earth I have to contribute to the good people of my community with so relatively little life experience. But every day grants us a new start and more opportunities to share. I hope it’s the beginning of a lifetime of growth in the right direction.

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